it's a rollarcoaster ride we're on.

to anyone who asks how i'm doing, i tell them i'm the best i've been in a very long time. that's partially true. some things are great - i'm living in a great apartment with one of my friends, i start my new job as a 911 dispatcher in two weeks. but what i don't tell people is that a piece of me is still crumbling. that self-esteem and parental issues are still tearing me apart.

it's really difficult for me to open up to people and tell them how i feel. that's one reason why i started this blog - to give me a place to talk about my problems, so i don't have to keep them bottled up inside me.

my dad and my stepmom are on the verge of causing me to go insane. i've never liked barb. she's given me a billion reasons to hate her. my dad isn't the same person that he was when i was little, and it's because of her. she changed him. he has no backbone, and he doesn't know how to think for himself. she's so incredibly jealous of every female on the planet, and she accuses my dad of cheating on her when he would never in a million years do such a thing. she ripped my father away from me, and i went from being daddy's little girl to barely knowing who my changed father was. at fourteen years old i was depressed, medicated, in therapy, and fighting to keep my grades up in school.

a couple of months ago, barb and my dad got into a fight, and she punched him in the face. then she proceeded to practically shred him to pieces. THEN she told him that if he laid a hand on her, she'd call the cops. barb ended up moving out of the house, and i began to see my dad more often than i'd seen him in ten years. he admitted that she'd pretty much gone crazy, and that all he wanted to do was "sign the divorce papers and never have to see her ever again".

so imagine my surprise a few days ago when i'm driving back to my apartment from yelm, and my dad's truck passes me on the highway with none other than BARB in the passenger seat. my dad called me a few minutes later and told me that she had moved back into the house, and that they were "working things out".

i love my dad to death. all i want is for him to be happy. if he was happy with barb, then i wouldn't have a problem with them being together. but i KNOW he's not happy with her. he's always miserable and complaining to me about the most recent stupid thing she did or accusation she made. for god's sake, my dad spent thanksgiving alone two years ago because barb accused him of sleeping with a woman simply because my dad knew her first name. i KNOW that things aren't going to be different this time. she's not magically going to change. i just wish my dad wasn't so naive.

thank god i have a good relationship with my mom. she's pretty much like one of my best friends. when we're not living together, that is. too much mother-daughter time can go along way, and when we lived under the same roof, we practically had to do everything we could not to kill each other. but for about the last year or so, we've been great. i think i just had to grow up a little.

surprisingly, when my mom and i were in texas for the world show, we didn't fight. at all. it was amazing. usually at horse shows she's nervous, and i'm PMSing or something, and we bicker. but at worlds, we didn't fight once. i think the only times she got mad at me was when she had to be at the barn at 5:30am to ride her horse and i wanted to sleep in and drive rachel's rental car to the show grounds later on. i usually lost and ended up napping in a chair in front of the stalls. i think my mom was on cloud nine so much during that trip that she was too happy to get mad at me for anything.

maybe i should call it cloud ten. gosh, she did so incredibly well. i'll be honest. i never, ever thought that she would do that well at a world championship show. i mean, yeah, she was doing really well at the local shows, and she won practically everything there was to win last year. but come on ... the world championships? she was showing against rich bitches that rode horses that cost nearly $100,000. yes, that many zeroes. and they wore outfits that cost several thousand dollars to make. they rode in rhinestone accented saddles that cost over ten grand. it's insane. my mom's stuff is nice, but i never expected her to march into that arena with her $18,000 horse and $500 showmanship outfit and walk out as the reserve world champion. even now, two weeks later, it's still hard to believe that she did that well. and it wasn't as if it was a fluke or anything - she did well in her other classes, too. she made the finals in five events, and was fifth in the world in hunt seat equitation. but i just can't believe that my mom finished second in the world in showmanship.

i'm a bit jealous, i'll admit it. but i think regret tromps jealousy. more and more, i've found myself wishing that i'd never given up showing. i hate being at shows and not being able to actually show. i mean, i love helping my mom out and cheering her on, but i'd kill to be back in the show ring. i'm really kicking myself now because i quit showing while cici was still healthy and dusty was still alive. the only reason i stopped was because at the time, i was burned out. by the time i realized how much i wanted to show again, cici was diagnosed with a bone disease and dusty colicked and died unexpectedly.

so here i am, just jonesing to show again, and i have a horse that i can't keep sound. i don't know what to do. cici's navicular disease is so advanced, and it set on so quickly. i can't sell her. i love her too freaking much, and besides ... no one wants a lame horse. i can have her nerve-blocked. the vet can basically cut the nerves in her foot, so she'll be sound simply because she can't feel anything. but it's an expensive surgery, and it will only last about a year or two before she goes lame permanently. i know i'll have it done, but i want to wait until i know that i'll be able to show for a year or so. the last thing i want is to nerve her and then find out that i'm going to miss most of the shows due to work or something.

i don't want to be jealous of my mom. i really don't. but i can't help it. showmanship is mine and cici's best event. cici is honestly the greatest showmanship horse i've ever seen. we killed in that event. back-to-back state championships in 4-H and a state championship in high school competition. i'd kill to be able to take her to worlds to see how far we could go. this sounds horrible, but i KNOW i'm better at showmanship than my mom. i beat her whenever i showed against her at the regional shows, and although kira is almost as good as cici, i'm a better showman than my mom is. my movements are more sharp, more crisp. everyone always told me that i could win a world championship with cici. i'd kill to have the chance to try.

okay, i think it's time to shoo away the green-eyed monster that has invaded my mind and go to bed.

besides, it's time to end the novel that this post has turned into.