would you like some cheese with that WHINE?

i'm bored out of my mind.

i took vicoden and couldn't leave the house since i couldn't drive.

so for the past several hours, i've been making my own ringtones. i know, such a glorious life i lead. haha. but the ringtones i buy from verizon are crap because i have to have them sent to my phone from the website, and somehow they get all distorted. so i decided to goof around and make my own ringtones, and the sound is crystal clear. so i replaced all my old ringtones that i'd spent money on with free ones. wonderful. and i made a ton more. so now i have like 50 ringtones. haha.

tomorrow (well ... this morning) i have to drive to yelm at 8am, then ride to shelton with my parents for my mom's WSPHC year-end awards banquet. i don't want to go, and i know my back is going to be killing me like it was all day today. but i missed my mom's other banquets, so i have to go to this one.

i had the best day at work in a very long time on friday. somehow i managed to do almost everything right. lately, i've been so stressed, and was starting to think that i was a big screw-up. seriously, it was horrible. there was one day last week that i was so frustrated with myself that i had to go to the bathroom three times and cry, just to let it all out. and it was because of stupid stuff. my trainer was getting hammered on the radio she was working, so she was stressed, and she was taking it out on me. when i first started, i breezed through everything. i was lightyears ahead of where i should have been, and everything was amazing. now, i've plateaued and i'm not getting anywhere, even though i've been trying really hard. it doesn't help that i've been bouncing around from trainer to trainer since my regular trainer had surgery, but that's no excuse. now i really have to bust my ass and keep everything together, because i do NOT want to fail. i don't fail at anything - i don't allow myself to. i can't fail at this. if i do, my whole life will fall apart.

two months ago, i was so happy with my life and the way things were going. things were great. now, not so much. i'm lonely, and i'm sick of all my friends and family living so far away. i'm always in pain, because of my stupid back. and i'm always tired, because i can only get about 4 hours of sleep maximum per night because of my back - i toss and turn in my sleep normally, but now it will tweak my back and i'll wake up in pain, then can't get back to sleep. i haven't had a guy in my life in ages, and just when i'm finally interested in someone, he's out of the picture. or at least it seems like it is. i don't know. i don't know how to fix things - and i'm not just talking about things with J, but everything else that's going wrong, too. it's not like i can say "my mistake, i want to move back to olympia". that's not an option. but don't get me wrong ... i love my apartment, and i love my job (and i do really like it - i'd just like it more if i didn't suck at it right now). i judt wish that both of them were in olympia, or somewhere closer to everyone else.

and i'm so frustrated with my weight. i worked my ass off for six months, sticking to a diet for the first time in my life. i rarely ever strayed from it until the world show in july. then it was like i just gave up. now, i've gained back every single one of the 25 pounds that i had lost. and then tacked on one more. i'm so sick of being fat, and i want to change. i did it once before, and i'm sure i can do it again, but it's going to be a billion times harder this time. i'm not living at home anymore, and i don't have my mom to buy my food for me. she's not there to tell me to put the unhealthy cereal back on the shelf at the store. my support system is gone, and i'm not sure that i have enough will power to do it on my own. i know i'm being a negative nancy, but i just know myself, and know that i probably won't stick to it if i'm the only person doing it.

okay, i think that's enough whining for one night. i need to try to get some sleep.